I don't remember. Are we still dating?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
