The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
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