Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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