I think I died a long time ago.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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