I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
