Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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