there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
