he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You may now shotgun with the bride
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
