I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize