why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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