Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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