I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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