I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
