i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
