Where is the hickey?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize