'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
tell me about the eggs
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
