I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm too high and old for this...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
