so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
