I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
