Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
