I think I won the penis lottery.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Randomize
