We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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