I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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