Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
