If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Randomize
