I just made out with a guy for $7.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize