i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Apparently you make a good broom.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
