It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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