I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
