He uses pillows to masturbate.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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