Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
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