I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
