Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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