You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize