my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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