your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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