alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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