That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
