I wanna bring you to show and tell
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
