there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
