it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
