how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
