I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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