I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize