Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Randomize
