the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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