I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
