I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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