What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
