so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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