On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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