We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize