Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
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