The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
You were trust falling into bushes
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
