Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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