look no pants
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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