my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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