nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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