I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
