happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
