The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize