I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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