Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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